TOM DeLAY ... GONE TOMORROW! ONE DOWN, 231 TO GO! On Monday, former House Majority Leader and paragon of the conservative movement Tom DeLay (R-Crotchrat) delighted his opponents and sent waves of nauseous dread shuddering through his few as-yet-unindicted co-conspirators by announcing that he was giving up his re-election bid, and that he would resign from Congress effective May of this year. Bestill my throbbing cock! So, what are DeLay's reasons for beating such a hasty retreat? Could it be due to the increasing probability that the man they call The Hammer is thisclose to serving serious time in The Slammer? Or is there a simpler, greener explanation for his withdrawal? Not according to DeLay, who claims he's only stepping down to spare his constituents from the indignity of a long and protracted election battle that would have doubtless brought the nefarious likes of Michael Moore and Barbara Streisand to darken the skies and pester the denizens of his beloved Sugar Land, Texas... which, incidentally, he will be immediately abandoning in favor of Virginia, where the golfing and lobbying are just too good to pass up. The above reasons, of course, are pure bullshit, just like DeLay's claim that he engaged in fasting and Godly prayer before coming to his decision. And that's why we here at the Daily Dirt have mustered all our investigative resources to bring you the TRUTH about this story, as compiled in this easy-to-digest list of the... TOP 13 REAL REASONS WHY TOM DELAY IS PACKING IT IN! 13. Wants to spend more time with his caddy. 12. Four simple words: Terri Schiavo Graveside Vigil! 11. Isn't quite as comfortable with his Congressional co-workers as he was with the rats and cockroaches he used to deal with back in his exterminator days. 10. It's the first step in his elaborate plan to get himself thrown into jail so he can break out his blood-brother, Jack Abramoff. 9. Was beginning to get pruney fingers from all the money he was laundering. 8. Valorous knights have sealed the gateway to Hell from whence he first emerged, thus bringing his time on earth to an end. 7. What with the felony convictions and/or indictments of such DeLay inner-circle-jerks as Tony Rudy, Michael Scanlon, Bob Ney, Warren RoBold, John Colyandro, Jim Ellis and Edwin Buckham (pending), he was feeling a little lonely. 6. Got such a thrill out of publicly mocking the quarter-million victims of 2004's Indian Ocean Tsunami, he's devoting the rest of his life to locating, then abusing, non-Christian victims of natural disaster. 5. After working to make sure the sweatshops and child sex dens of the Northern Mariana Islands would remain forever unburdened by meddlesome U.S. labor laws, figures it's time to retire there so that he can feast upon the fruits of his legislative toil. 4. Needs some time off to write a new book… of the Bible. 3. Having achieved the greatest degree of corruption possible for a public official, wants to see what kind of havoc he can wreak in the private sector. 2. Afraid to return to Congress, what with that crazy bitch Cynthia McKinney still running loose. 1. Curious to see whether the Democrats are capable of turning even something as rhetorically exploitable as this into a political liability. Send all Jokes, Letters and other stuff to Jerky: jerkyleboeuf@gmail.com

ON THIS DAY April 3 After Triangle Publications bought up all the biggest regional television listings magazines in America -- publications such as TV List, TV Forecast, TV Digest, Television Guide, TV God and The Idiot Box Times -- the very first issue of TV Guide is published, nationwide, on this day in 1953. This is back in the day when we all still loved Lucy. On this day in 1968, civil rights champion Martin Luther King Jr. predicts his own demise during the Mountaintop Speech. He would be dead, gunned down while chatting with well-wishers from a Memphis hotel balcony, within 24 hours. His killers have yet to be brought to justice. On this day in 1996, after an 18-year reign of Luddite terror during which he killed 3 and maimed 29, Ted "the Unabomber" Kaczynski is arrested at his tiny cabin in the Montana wilderness. He was turned in by his brother, who always was a whiny little snitch. On that very same day, an Air Force 737 carrying Clinton administration Commerce Secretary Ron Brown flies into a mountain in Croatia. All 35 passengers and crew perish in the crash, sparking a flurry of conspiracy theories, of both the Negro and conservative variety, that make a whole helluva lot less sense than even the craziest theories about what really happened on 9/11.

TOM DeLAY SAID IT! "I AM the federal government." - On May 14, 2003, Tom DeLay (R-Shitheel) explains to the owner of Ruth's Chris Steak House why he should be allowed to smoke a big fat cigar in her restaurant, despite the posted prohibition. *** **** *** "I don't believe there is a separation of church and state. I think the Constitution is very clear. The only separation is that there will not be a government church." - Tom DeLay (R-Fuckwit), beaming with pride after figuring out that he's smarter than all America's Founding Fathers, combined. *** **** *** "So many minority youths had volunteered that there was literally no room for patriotic folks like myself." - At the 1988 GOP convention, Tom DeLay (R-Scumbag) explains why he and fellow Chickenhawk Dan Quayle (R-Potatoe) did not enlist to fight in the Vietnam war, of which they both were (hypothetically) in favor. *** **** *** "Our school systems teach our children that they are nothing but glorified apes who have evolutionized out of some primordial soup of mud, by teaching evolution as fact." - Tom DeLay (R-Asshole) lays the blame for the Columbine Massacre right where it belongs... squarely on Charles Darwin's shoulders! *** **** *** "Now tell me the truth boys, is this kind of fun?" - Tom Delay (R-Douche) yuks it up with three young evacuees from New Orleans at the Astrodome in Houston, Texas, September 9, 2005. *** **** *** "I am not a federal employee. I am a constitutional officer. My job is the Constitution of the United States. I am not a government employee. I am the Constitution." - Tom DeLay (R-Megalomaniac), in an interview that aired on CNN, December 19, 1995, brings it all full circle.

JOKES! Today's first joke was sent in by Russ! Guy goes in an adult store and asks for an inflatable doll. Guy behind the counter says, "Male or female?" Customer says, "Female." Counter guy asks, "Black or white?" Customer says, "White." Counter guy asks, "Christian or Muslim?" Customer says, "What the hell does religion have to do with it?" Counter guy says, "The Muslim one blows itself up!" *** *** *** Thanks to our old pal Trembly Dale for sending in today's second joke. Bobbie Jean goes home to the double wide after a wild night of drinking, with two tattoos on her legs. Her husband Zeke says, "What the hell is them smudges on your thighs, honey?" Bobbie Jean says, "Well, Zeke, that there on the right is Johnny Cash, and that other one there is Waylon Jennings. Just the two greatest outlaw country singers ever!" Zeke doesn't really see it, and asks their son who or what he thinks they are. Little Bubba Ray says, "Well, I think the one on the right is Johnny Cash and the one on the left looks a little like Waylon Jennings, but the guy in the middle with the bad breath is definitely Willie Nelson!" WORST JOKE OF THE DAY Today's groaner was sent in by Richard O... Three third graders, an Irish kid, an Italian kid and a Hillbilly kid are in the playground at recess. One of them suggests that they play a new game. "Let's see who has the largest weenie," he says. "Okay." They all agree. The Irish kid pulls down his zipper and whips it out. "That's nothing," says the Italian kid. He whips his out. His is a couple of inches longer. Not to be outdone, the Hillbilly kid whips his out. It is by far the biggest. That night, eating dinner at home, the Hillbilly kid's mother asks him what he did at school today. "Oh, we worked on a science project, had a math test and read out loud from a new book and during recess, my friends and I played 'Let's see who has the largest weenie." "What kind of game is that, honey?" asks the mother. "Well, me, Patrick and Anthony each pulled out our weenies and I had the biggest! The other kids say its because I'm a Hillbilly. Is that true, Mom?" Mom replies, "No, Honey. It's because you're twenty-three."

READER'S SOAPBOX! Got a gripe? Pet peeve? Have your say in the Daily Dirt! Columns can pretty much be about anything, as long they meet the following criteria: 1) don't write shit that'll get us in trouble. 2) Keep it interesting. 3) Keep it short. 4) We don't edit your mistakes. Oh yeah! feel free to send a picture of yourself if you want. TOPIC: THE BEAST CONCEPT, FULLY EXPLORED care of: SDSTAFF TUBADIVA *** **** *** 666 = Number of the Beast 660 = Approximate Number of the Beast 66600 = Zip Code of the Beast 665.95 = Retail price of the Beast DCLXVI = Roman numeral of the Beast 666.0000 = Number of the High Precision Beast 0.666 = Number of the Millibeast /666 = Beast Common Denominator (-666) ^ (1/2) = Imaginary number of the Beast 6.66 e3 = Floating Point of the Beast 1010011010 = Binary of the Beast 1-666 = Area code of the Beast 666 mph = The speed limit of the Beast $665.99 = Retail price of the Beast $699.25 = Price of the Beast plus state sales tax $769.95 = Price of the Beast with all accessories and replacement soul $656.66 = Price of the Beast at Walmart Phillips 666 = Gasoline of the Beast Route 666 = Way of the Beast 666 F = Oven temperature for Roast Beast 666K = Retirement plan of the Beast 666 mg = Recommended Minimum Daily Requirement of Beast 6.66% = 5 year CD interest rate at First Beast of Hell National Bank $666/hr = Beast's lawyer's billing rate Lotus 6-6-6 = Spreadsheet of the Beast i66686 = CPU of the Beast 665.9997856 = The Number of the Beast on a Pentium 1232 Octal, Apt. 29A = Beast's hexed address 668 = Next-door neighbor of the Beast 333 = The semi-Christ *** **** *** [I hate to be the one to tell you this, but... those are all moot now. - Jerky] FIRST AMENDMENT ZONE / ASK JERKY! hey dude i found an error in one of your reader's mails. "On Wednesday of this week, at two minutes and three seconds after 1:00 AM in the morning, the time and date will be 01:02:03 04/05/06. That won't ever happen again." this will actually happen again in the year 3006. Abraxas [Damn. You're right! And then there's the British take on things, which follows forthwith... - Jerky] *** **** *** Hey Jerky; Won't that 123456 date thing happen after 1pm, too? McTubers [Another nice catch! - Jerky] *** **** *** Dear Mr The Beef; Your valued respondent N8possibilities put this apercu in your esteemed journal: "ACHTUNG! On Wednesday of this week, at two minutes and three seconds after 1:00 AM in the morning, the time and date will be 01:02:03 04/05/06. That won't ever happen again." However, over here in Englishpersonland we have a rather more progressive and logical way of expressing time: day/month/year - note the way this moves smoothly from the day to the month to the year, rather than hopping about like a demented stoat from month to day to year - so that we have the pleasure yet to come - and to be greatly enjoyed in its anticipation of 01:02:03 04/05/06 being on the fourth of May 2006; although it is a bit irritating that if one includes the full year - 2006 rather than the simplified 06 - the whole proposition vanishes in a puff of Aristotelian smoke. Oh well. Whatever. William [This is why I love doing the Dirt... it's a fully-networked hive-mind, jam-packed with smart-asses! - Jerky] *** **** *** Just one thing... and, yes, I have no life... It WILL happen again, 12 hours later, at 01:02:03 pm. It'll also happen again a month later, for all of us non-'Merkins who write the day first, then the month... twice that day, too. Sticks [You guys are a bunch of fuckin' geniuses. Seriously. Nothing slides by. I'm lovin' it. - Jerky] *** **** *** Good Day to you Good Sir, MOPJ; Would you mind running this one up the proverbial flagpole for a couple of days, just to see if anyone salutes? Just, ericsongs [One day. - Jerky] *** **** *** Ciao Jerky, Do you think Pat Robertson knows why these tornados struck the devout Christian and Bush voting Middle West? Etna Fred. [No. - Jerky] *** **** *** MOPJ, I know you're going to get a million of these, but Babs is W's mother, not his grandmother. Sorry, YOP, Ernie [Thanks, Ernie. I'll make a note of that. - Jerky]

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