PARTY AT THE POPE'S PLACE! "CARDINAL McMURPHY, I'M TELLING YOU FOR THE LAST TIME... STOP LEAVING YOUR DILDO IN THE SINK!" STRONG SOLUTIONS FOR WEAK MINDS! The party's getting started in Vatican City today, as the Pope's two day pedophilia workshop gets underway. Experts in the religion of Catholicism expect the Pontiff has called this meeting to either outlaw Bingo once and for all, or, far more likely, to tell his representatives in America to stop fucking children in the ass. Talk about a day late and a dollar short! Talk about closing the barn door after the horses escape! Talk about... ah, you know what I'm getting at. Some Pope-watchers claim to have been given a bit of a taste of what the Americans can expect from JP II in the way of suggested solutions to the ongoing clergy crisis. On Saturday, while meeting with a delegate of Nigerian priests, the Pope declared that the Church's representatives "must live celibate lives and avoid scandalous behavior." And when some rosy-cheek'd tyke comes forward with a horrendous tale of sneak-up-from-behind buggery - his head slamming into the back of the open tabernacle, that sort of thing - the Pope said that Bishops "must investigate, and take action." Holy Rockin' the BOAT, Batman! Holy Radical Reforms, Batman! Holy... ah, you know what I'm getting at. An irony of the Pope's comments to the Nigerian delegation is the fact that those priests mostly break their vow of celibacy with grown women, instead of young boys... a "problem" we here in North America would probably be more than willing to trade for. But for those who thought today's summit might yeild some new ideas about allowing priests to marry or some other such craziness, never you fear! As long as he's able to suck breath into that decrepit carcass of his, Pope John Paul II will always remain the voice of reason... for the twelfth century. How else to explain the following quote: "The value of celibacy as a complete gift of self to the Lord and his Church must be carefully safeguarded." So pain is pleasure! Loneliness is Love! And celibacy is... Ah, you know what I'm getting at.

ON THIS DAY April 23 On this day in 1014, the legendary "luck of the Irish" must have been off in the bushes taking a dump or something, cuz it sure wasn't there for King Brian Boru. The Irish sovereign had probably just begun gloating over news of Ireland's great victory at the Battle of Clontarf, when the very Vikings his own son's army had just finished defeating accidentally stumbled upon his encampment! Needless to say, the Vikings went berzerk, slaughtering everybody they could get their hands on, including the elderly King Brian Boru.

QUOTES! "The Republican Party was founded in the 1850's explicitly as the party of high taxes to subsidize politically connected businesses, (then known as "internal improvements"). All Republican Presidents in the last fifty years have continued to increase the size of the government, and claims of support for free markets and lowered taxes are mere rhetorical cover. Texas Governor George Bush will continue that tradition." - Regardless of the obvious accuracy of the above statement, you should probably take the rest of this interesting editorial by Richard Draheim with a spoonful of salt. *** *** *** "It is also no good imagining that landslide victories are any guide to legitimacy. Just because Chavez has twice been elected President by the largest margins in Venezuela's history, and just because his government has twice the number of elected representatives that its opponents have, that does not mean it can go around passing any legislation it wants." - If there were a God, yer old pal Jerky would definitely want him to bless ex-Monty Python Terry Jones. And not only for his latest insightful editorial!

JOKES Today's first joke was sent in by our new pal Cid... A little girl walks into a pet shop and asks in the sweetest little lisp, "Excuthe me, mithter, do you keep wittle wabbits?" And the shopkeeper gets down on his knees, so that he's on her level, and asks, "Do you want a wittle white wabby or a soft and fuwwy black wabby or maybe one like that cute wittle brown wabby over there?" She in turn puts her hands on her knees, leans forward and says in a quiet voice, "I don't fink my pyfon weally gives a phuck!" *** *** *** Today's second joke was sent in by our new pal David Featherston... This bloke is sitting on a train eating a bag of fresh prawns, ripping the shells off and throwing them out of the window. He has eaten a few when the woman opposite says, "Would you mind not doing that, it's disgusting to watch." He says, "Listen love, it's got nothing to do with you. I've paid my fare for this journey and I'll do what I want on this train." And he carries on ripping off the shells and throwing them out of the window and eating the prawns. Finally he finishes the bag and settles back to have a sleep. The woman then starts knitting. All the bloke can hear whilst he is trying to sleep is the incessant clicking of the needles. After about 15 minutes he sits up and says to the woman, "Could you stop that noise? Can't you see I'm trying to sleep?" "It's got nothing to do with you," replies the woman. "I've paid my fare and I'll do what I want on this train." At that, the man grabs the woman's knitting and throws it out of the window. She gets up and pulls the emergency stop. He says, "Ha ha, you'll get fined $200 for that." She says, "And you'll get 6 years when the police smell your fingers!" WORST JOKE OF THE DAY Today's worst jokes were sent in by Cornell Prizy. A Swiss man walks into a American Restaurant and orders a bloody steak. the waiter say's : "and do You want some fucking potatoes too" *** *** *** Q: What do U call a Snob? A: one who orders his spinach through the Florist.

JERKY KNOWS! Relationship troubles? Philosophical quandaries? Nagging doubts about your spouse? Jerky knows the answer! Send your letter to the feedback address at the bottom of the page: Dear Jerky; This month, two of rock's greatest musicians have been forced to call it quits. Mr. Dave Mustaine, whom without, the band Metallica would be just a footnote in the evolution of music, says his injury to his left arm will preclude him from continuing with Megadeth. And I have just learned that my favorite vocalist, Layne Staley, of Alice in Chains, is no longer alive. In a world where that talentless hack Madonna's menstrual pad makes headlines, please tell me that you will include some sort of mention to possibly two of the greatest musicians of the last 50 years within your column. Signed: DMan Dear DMan; Ummm... okay. But do yer old pal Jerky a favor and let's just consider your letter to be the "mention" you asked for. With everything else going on in the world right now, I don't think I'm currently able to work up the requisite amount of grief needed to write a convincing eulogy to yet another dead junkie rock star, or the fact that Dave Mustaine's career is now over, after only twenty four years in the business. I mean, all sympathy to their friends, families and hangers on, but come on!

READER'S SOAPBOX! Got a gripe? Pet peeve? Have your say in the Daily Dirt! Columns can pretty much be about anything, as long they meet the following criteria: 1) don't write shit that'll get us in trouble. 2) Keep it interesting. 3) Keep it short. 4) We don't edit your mistakes. Oh yeah! feel free to send a picture of yourself if you want. Today’s Topic: DEFINE AND CLARIFY, PLEASE! Care of: YPA CCCP. Hoo boy! Let's see. For the last six months, practically speaking, I have seen no point in really following the news on operations in Afghanistan. I have been able to sum it up in advance: "More Ordnance Dropped On Afghanistan. Bin Laden Still Not Found." So, what are we doing, exactly? Well, pure and simply following our destiny since we chose to cross the Rubicon last fall. As when Julius Caesar chose to save the Roman Republic by destroying it (paraphrasing the old Vietnam Public Affairs Officer Quote). Worth remembering, too, that the TRAPPINGS of the Roman Republic remained in place to the end. In theory, the emperor was merely a person temporarily placed in authority to deal with an emergency. Which just happened to last 500 years. The media are comfortable with terming the current operations the "war on terrorism," while the administration can justify scads of measures as being necessary and having due authority "because we're at war." Really? Did Congress declare a war and I slept through it? Seems to me we ain't declared one since December 8, 1941. Well, let's assume I WAS asleep. Who are we at war with? Wars are declared between sovereign states. Bin Laden? Don't qualify. Al Quaida? Same problem. The Taliban? That's either a religious movement or a political party (depending on how you look at it. Shades of Jerry Falwell, I think it's both!). So if it isn't a war, what is it? Let's see, we're rampaging through, killing people and destroying property without a declared war. Sounds like a massive crime spree, to me. Funny thing. Since Bin Laden and Al Quida aren't sovereign states, they can't have committed an act of war aganst us. Well, what was it, then? Another massive crime. But in that case, what was called for was some kind of response under international law. I think international law is something we've "declared war on" as well. Or just ending the 1,500 year experiment and going back to the old Roman system. "Don't piss us off, and everything will be fine. Piss us off, and the legions march. If we're feeling nice, we'll leave you some trappings of sovreignty and you can pretend you're still your own nation. If we feel like it." Remember the totally unnecessary missile defense system that was such an issue before 9/11? Suppose we succeed in building it. There we are, the one and only nation with nuclear throw-weight and immunity from anybody else's. Once we have that, I wonder how many low-yield "examples" we will have to make of people who piss us off before they catch on and hoist white flags the minute they see us looking at them. A peaceful world, under the benevolent eye of the empire. Lots of television circuses, and maybe we'll hand out some bread to deserving satraps. YPA CCCP [Satraps? CCCP? What are you, a goddamn COMMIE?! - Jerky]

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